Onam alone

Through the fever-induced fog in my mind, I could hear a far-away voice saying "Happy Onam", and all I could think of was "Is it time to wake up?" That was pretty much the flavour of the day. A numbness to all the celebration happening around.

All the Malayalis seemed to have converged on MG Road today, the women dressed in the lovely cream-and-golden sarees, but all with too many accessories killing the entire essence of simplicity and quiet grandeur that the saree is supposed to represent. The men in dhotis struggling to ride bikes. Abhipraya's comment on it was "Now they know how difficult it is to wear a skirt and ride a bike". Heh!

Anyway, there was such a crowd outside the neighbourhood Malayali restaurant that even at 4 pm, people were waiting outside. A whole lot of people celebrating the festival the best way they could, in a land that doesn't know what the festival is all about, where one doesn't get a holiday for Onam, where one needs to buy plantain leaf for the sadya rather than gathering it from the backyard.

And me? I felt disconnected from the entire thing. I wasn't upset that I wasn't getting a feast. Wasn't motivated into cooking anything nice. Wasn't even motivated into wearing something new and nice.

Someone in office said "She's the modern Mallu -- no cooking, just go out to eat." No that's not it. Who do I cook for? For the husband who left home early morning for a day-long conference anticipating lunch at Leela Palace and dinner at Grand Ashok? I'm not going to do elaborate cooking for just myself.

Someone else in office said "It is Onam, you should be sitting at home. All the better if you are alone, just relax on your own." No, not on Onam. I want people around me. Lots of them. I need to run around, talk loudly, laugh a lot, run in and out of the kitchen to taste various things. So that I can sit down in the evening and put away the memories for a day like today. Because tonight, I sit here alone after a lonely dinner, with the TV on in the background for company, wondering what the day was like back home where the entire extended family got together for Onam. For me, that is what Onam is about -- about being with family, being surrounded by people -- and not the pookkalam or the paayasam or the sadya. That is how it has always been.